remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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