either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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