Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
