I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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