how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am one with the molecules
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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