not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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