why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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