look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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