Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
