OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
