Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
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Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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