before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
