Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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