I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
