I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
