Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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