Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
