Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
