I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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