Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
