we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
