I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
