Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Randomize
