why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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