she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
