life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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