I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
