I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
