Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
