I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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