I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
