Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
