Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
