apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
