my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
