Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
