My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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