i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just high enough for therapy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
