Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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