Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
