well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
