thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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