it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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