I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
