Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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