I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
