I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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