Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
