It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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