I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
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Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
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Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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