Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
