omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
