You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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