Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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