dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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