If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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