Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
