I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
